Growing up with an addict parent is no walk in the park. I was probably 10 when my dad offered me alcohol for the first time, and a freshman in Highschool when he offered me marijuana. Due to the regular abuse, I was not about to refuse anything that was offered for fear of a beating. I always swore I'd never be like him, and instead I grew up into an angry, addicted person. In the early years, drinking and smoking were my way to escape the horrors of what was done to me as a child. Eventually those vices weren't enough and I evolved into other, stronger drugs. By the time I was 25, not only did I have a raging drug problem, but I had three beautiful children that didn't deserve the life they were living. I checked into treatment October 29th, 1991, and on November 14th 1991 walked out the door never to use again. That doesn't mean I left the behaviors behind that got me to that place, that has been a lifelong process of undoing the wrong ideals, negative self talk, and self loathing that was so much a part of who I was. As abused children, we carry our parents pain and suffering, the verbal and physical abuse add more obstacles to overcome. This life is a journey of ups and downs, getting up after we stumble and pushing ahead to be who we were created to be. We are so much more than what we went through or were told day in and day out.
Learning to be self aware of our faults, what kind of people we tend to choose to be part of our circle, sometimes over and over are a reflection of that trauma. How do we learn who we are if we never had our own identity? How do we set boundaries when we grew up with none? Self forgiveness is key while we figure this out. I don't remember exactly when I realized I was ok being me. I worked hard to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter. Most of my family are not blood relatives but people God has placed in my path to help me grow. None of us will ever be perfect, but we can learn to encourage others and be a light, instead of placing judgement. I would never go back to using it as a way to numb the pain, in order to heal we must learn to feel and process the emotions. If you want something bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to accomplish it. Sobriety is the same. It's learning to live, to feel, to love and to forgive.
It's about a freedom you never thought you could have and a healing inside your very soul. The years of using seem like so very long ago and I couldn't imagine my life any other way than the way I choose to live now....one day at a time and Sober, with so much peace in my soul.
